You can pick your friends….

Even at the ripe old age of 40-odd  and after having done a lot of work on myself in that time, the skills Bec teaches in her latest book “Find Your Tribe (and 9 other things I wish I’d known in high school)” are still relevant on many ople are or what they do/did/donons I’m sure we ALL can benefit from.

“Do you have an INNIE or an OUTIE?”

Some of you may be familiar with these terms when, as children, we innocently asked our friends what type of belly-button they had. Didn’t we all feel some degree of comfort (and probably still do) knowing that certain personal characteristics enabled us to feel included and accepted by our chosen “tribe”? But conversely, how did it feel to be the only kid with an “innie” in a group full of “outies”?  See how easily a part of your anatomy or personality can be the very thing that labels you as: Different. Weird. A Freak?  And how quickly as a child  your so-called friends could decide they no longer wished to consider you one of theirs?

The term “EXclusive” is widely used to market ideas or products when in reality providing a feeling of being “INclusive” is what makes for a much more stylish person/group/campaign.  Bec’s new book beautifully illustrates the importance of finding people who INclude you – those who make you feel that you belong purely because they love and accept you for who you are – regardless of whether you’re an “innie” or an “outie”!

You CAN have more than one tribe too!

For some, it can take a long time. For others, they find their tribe in school. But whenever it happens, it’s a very good thing! I  feel very blessed to have found a little tribe of my own.  They know who they are and I am proud to say, I do too. These like-minded souls love, support, listen to, accept, and help me. They laugh with me not at me (well alright – sometimes they may laugh at me when I make a total dick of myself – but that’s OK. I laugh at me too!).  I would do anything for them and I know they would do anything for me. They let me sit next to them at the movies even though I cry loudly and like to share comments throughout. They put up with my love of texts (and abhorrence for chatting on the phone). They pretend to read my newsletters/blogs, even when they haven’t; they distract me when I am in pain, feed me (with cheese/olives), water me (with wine!) and visit me when I can’t muster the energy to visit them. They love and support my kids and would happily take on the role of “parent” for me if I was no longer able to do so myself. When I leave this earth, I intend to force each of my “inner tribe” to keep a little piece of me in an urn (kinda’ like Gerry in P.S I Love You) so that I will still be able to feel a part of Friday night drinks – or still sit between them at the movies! HA! If they think they can get rid of me THAT easily, they are very mistaken indeed!

But I digress…I  also have another tribe. A small group of people who either believe in or mentor me, or teach similar skills and philosophies as I do with my work.  A group of people  who share my passion for helping others, building self-esteem and confidence. Through their own work, little do they know it but they too are spreading the Style Counsel message…“Finding True Style from the Inside Out”. Wanna meet this very stylish group of wonderful people? I thought you’d never ask:

Tony Johnston: www.bullyfree.com.au

Rebecca Sparrow : www.rebeccasparrow.com

Alissa Phillips www.thespace.org.au

Dr Evelyn Field FAPS.ASM : www.bullying.com.au

“I smell a rat”

Some people are great at connecting with others. They are what many refer to as good networkers. This is NOT what I’m talking about here, so please don’t get the two terms confused. I am not talking about how you establish smart connections for your business so you can help promote your products or services. That’s just called clever marketing/advertising and there is ofcourse a place for this in life.  I am talking about how you make others FEEL in your presence. How you are being perceived by strangers (your first impressions skills!) and whether your skills at establishing connections with people may need some tweaking. When you network only for business success or personal gain, the motives are very different.  When you simply put in the work on your own personal growth/people-skills your ability to connect with others greatly improves. You FEEL great and in turn make others feel the same. Your whole LIFE improves! There is a big difference between the two motives. Some of us have the uncanny ability of being able to “smell a rat” and quickly identify a the sincere friend and the opportunist.  Learn that skill too – it can be very helpful along this journey they call life!  And I believe true happiness only happens when we feel truly connected to those around us.

Throw a pebble in a pond. You are the pebble. Your friends are the ripples.

All of your friends have a place. Some sit beautifully in your “inner circle” while others are a couple of ripples away from that. Do you have an “inner circle” of friends who feel more like “family” because of their unwavering support/love/acceptance of who you are? What’s your connection with those in your “outer” ripples?

It can take years and years of experience and experiences to find your inner circle so don’t despair if you’re young and still struggling to find that safe, warm, comfy place. Remember : In a lifetime we will make many friends – for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When we reach the end of our life we will probably only count the “lifers” on one hand. To be able to do so makes you very lucky and very loved, indeed”.

Hold on tight to your tribe. Don’t let silly misunderstandings get in the way of that true friendship. Understand too that over time,  you/your tribe may become part of a slightly larger tribe (and not all of the members of that tribe will support you, be like-minded souls or love you). You might not know them well, or come to love them quite as much either – and that too is OK. The key lies in remembering who forms your inner circle and that as long as they have your back (and you stay true to yourself)  you will be able to withstand with honour and dignity any assaults from any larger tribe. If being in that larger group makes you doubt yourself or feel insecure, you also have the power to choose not to spend too much time with them.  Learn to love your own company – and  do things that make you (and others) feel good.  You always have choices. And don’t forget to thank your tribe for being there. Remember the Style Counsel rule…”If you think something nice about someone – TELL THEM!” The best way to make yourself feel good is to make someone else feel even better!”

And now my last quotable quote for this Blog –  one that we all could do well to heed…

“You can pick your friends. You can pick your nose. But you can’t pick your friend’s nose.”

Big Al xx